Romance Abroad: Dating in Different Cultures
December 7, 2009 | Lauren Van Mullem
Is a date the same here and there?
Dating is difficult wherever you go. College students in this country seem to be giving up on it altogether in favor of “hooking up,” and I’m sad to say that after traveling around the world, no one else seems to have it figured out either. But asking about dating on my travels to England, India and Japan did reveal some fascinating differences in how guys and gals are getting together – or aren’t.
England
Over a bottle of beer in Oxford, Xander and Ben explain the mating behaviors of the British male. Xander’s girlfriend, Miranda, provides eye-witness testimony to the accuracy of their account. English men never ask women out on dates. They are convinced that if they were to directly ask a woman on a “date” that they will be turned down flat and laughed at publicly. Since the Number One priority for an English male is to save face, there is no “dating” in England at all.
Xander explains: “You go out to a pub with your friends, some of whom are girls, get too drunk one night (but not too drunk) and end up sleeping with one of them. Then, suddenly, you’re in a relationship. And since she’s already slept with you, you won’t be rejected – presumably. And it usually works out quite well since you were friends first.” Xander and Miranda didn’t follow that exact routine, but they did meet at a pub while she was studying abroad in Oxford. Pubs are one of the few places in which it is easy to meet people and strike up a conversation if you’re new in town.
Breaking up is hard, since it is very English to avoid confrontation. The breaking up ritual seems to involve the man’s shoes being chucked out the window or into the sea (whichever is closer at the time). But that could just be Xander’s bad luck.
India
While India is westernizing in many ways, dating is not yet culturally accepted. In rural areas there is no dating; in urban areas, dating is rare and almost always covert. Ani, a young man from Coimbatore, says dating is “99% without the parents’ knowledge, as parents are conservative and would get REALLY mad if you date.” When two people do date, dates are exactly what you might find in the West: restaurants, cafes, movies. In India there is no formal asking out on dates. My friend Sheethal breaks it down into four steps:
1. Hang out.
2. Boy tells girl “I love you.”
3. You’re a couple but no one knows about it except a select few friends who won’t tell the parental units.
4. Either marriage when the parental units find out, suicide (if kids are super passionate…this doesn’t happen a lot), or breaking up to keep the family happy.
Families have a lot of influence over their children’s choices – and older generations frown on dating. Arranged marriages are still the norm, and love marriages are often met with difficulties. When dating does happen, it is taken seriously. Akhila, in her twenties says “People who date, date with marriage in mind. Very few people date to see where it goes.”
Japan
My friend Jessi, an American Expat in Tokyo, and Toshiko, a native are my guides to Japanese dating, and they both agree on one thing: it’s hard to find a date. They aren’t the only ones to notice this problem. This generation of Japanese men are often uninterested in relationships or pursuing women. They don’t want to take on the responsibilities of girlfriends, marriage or children. In 2006, columnist Maki Fukasawa called them “Herbivorous Men,” and the term stuck. These young men in their 20’s and 30’s aren’t even interested in sex, just friendship with women – and, they’re straight.
But, not all men in Japan are “herbivorous.” Dating starts in high school, and goes like this: Much emphasis is placed on “the confession.” Instead of asking a girl out for a cup of coffee and taking it from there, the young man is expected to dramatically confess his feelings to the girl. Then, skipping over the dating part, they are in a relationship from that point onward. Since Japanese men have the same strong instinct to escape embarrassment and rejection as the English men (and all men), declaring love is obviously terrifying. It’s no wonder so many are opting for friendship.
Looking for love isn’t easy. So for those wanting help to meet people, there is “Gokon.” Gokon can be either like speed-dating in an organized group of singles, or a group of single girls meeting a group of single boys in hopes of finding romance. If that fails, parents are a little too happy to step in and help. It’s not uncommon for mothers of 30 year olds to go to matchmaking services on their children’s behalf, and then try to set up dates with the suitors they like best.
Nice to see our overly sex-focused American society hasn’t spread to the whole world yet. We spend so much of our lives focused on dating, or hooking up. As one who didn’t date without developing some emotional attachment, I often would have preferred the Indian approach where you were sure you were serious before getting too committed. I have an Indian friend who just graduated from CSUN. He has great fun, travels everywhere, and is one of the most upbeat people I know. He’s said his major lack of stress is from mostly from not having to worry about dating ’cause his mom is the boss in that department. Don’t know that I could go that far, but he is a lot less stressed than I am!