Don’t Ask Alice: Wonderland Gone Awry
March 16, 2010 | Alicia Ostarello
Don't ask Alice.
Eventually the allure of a curiouser and curiouser girl in a twisted land of Tim Burton’s creation gets the best of any sensible person; this weekend, I couldn’t help but find myself in a dazzling theater decorated like an Egyptian museum watching Alice in Wonderland. The theater had sphinx painted on the walls, a balcony for extra seating, and no pre-movie commercials, which was rather glorious for someone like me, who thinks advertisements should be banned from movies. Are you noticing yet that I’ve said more about the accommodations in which the movie was watched than the movie itself?
I’ll be brief about the actual movie, which I saw in 3-D. I went in with the mindset that this would be Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, not any Disney or Lewis Carrol interpretation I was familiar with. This frame of mind was no match for what was presented, though: a cold-hearted Alice who looks bored through most of her adventure, characters and plot that are never fully developed, and a lot of jibber-jabber dialogue that I’m guessing was written to make no sense though instead of being endearing, it’s just hard to follow.
Alice in Wonderland did have two redeeming qualities: Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen and Anne Hathaway as the White Queen. Carter’s character is digitally enhanced, but I can only assume the acting was hers alone, and when she very delightfully explains how she loves a good pig for resting her tired feet upon, I couldn’t help but believe her. Despite Hathaway’s disturbing make-up job (I literally shuddered when she appeared on screen), she employs an over the top “good witch of the north” persona that is both amusing and air-headed.
I think the feelings about the movie are best portrayed by the conversation my friends and I had afterward while sitting in a piano bar listening to the geriatric community sing show-tunes. All four of us had been pondering different thoughts while sitting through the movie. My best friend said he’d been thinking about Anne Hathaway’s nude scenes from another film. My boyfriend said he kept thinking about how while Tim Burton has done some wonderful works, he’s also the guy that put nipples on Batman. I had kept myself amused by finding all the similarities I could between Alice in Wonderland and the Lord of the Rings movies (there were quite a few). And our last friend said that he’d spent the two hours thinking about the time he had appendicitis and was in so much pain that he’d had his appendix removed.
You’ve probably heard the warnings by now from people besides me, that Alice is not worth the ten dollars you’re going to pay to see it. Heed that advice if you refuse to heed mine. The movie isn’t even bad in the funny-bad sense…it’s just bad in you want your two hours back sense.
Thanks for the heads up! And to nitpick, Joel Schumaker put nipples on the Batsuit, which is not okay. Ever. At least the theater you went to sounds cool!
You get a +1 for using “jibber jabber”. And for spreading the money-saving word about this movie.
Batman nipples are so unappealing. They make me not want to eat cereal for some reason. I seriously haven’t breakfasted since he mentioned them.
And Ron Mex, I’d rather have my time back than my money. Two hours of life down the rabbit hole. The really vapid rabbit hole.
The piano bar at least sounded fun!
I wasn’t enamored of the movie, but I found it a pleasant enough diversion. Then again, I didn’t go into it with any expectations.
As far as Alice seeming rather bored throughout the whole thing, to be honest that’s the impression I’ve gotten of her character in just about every version of the story (from Carol on up until today) – she always seemed to be somewhat void of emotion or passion to me.