Is a date the same here and there?

Dating is difficult wherever you go. College students in this country seem to be giving up on it altogether in favor of “hooking up,” and I’m sad to say that after traveling around the world, no one else seems to have it figured out either. But asking about dating on my travels to England, India and Japan did reveal some fascinating differences in how guys and gals are getting together – or aren’t.

England
Over a bottle of beer in Oxford, Xander and Ben explain the mating behaviors of the British male. Xander’s girlfriend, Miranda, provides eye-witness testimony to the accuracy of their account. English men never ask women out on dates. They are convinced that if they were to directly ask a woman on a “date” that they will be turned down flat and laughed at publicly. Since the Number One priority for an English male is to save face, there is no “dating” in England at all.

Xander explains: “You go out to a pub with your friends, some of whom are girls, get too drunk one night (but not too drunk) and end up sleeping with one of them. Then, suddenly, you’re in a relationship. And since she’s already slept with you, you won’t be rejected – presumably. And it usually works out quite well since you were friends first.” Xander and Miranda didn’t follow that exact routine, but they did meet at a pub while she was studying abroad in Oxford. Pubs are one of the few places in which it is easy to meet people and strike up a conversation if you’re new in town.

Breaking up is hard, since it is very English to avoid confrontation. The breaking up ritual seems to involve the man’s shoes being chucked out the window or into the sea (whichever is closer at the time). But that could just be Xander’s bad luck.

India
While India is westernizing in many ways, dating is not yet culturally accepted. In rural areas there is no dating; in urban areas, dating is rare and almost always covert. Ani, a young man from Coimbatore, says dating is “99% without the parents’ knowledge, as parents are conservative and would get REALLY mad if you date.”  When two people do date, dates are exactly what you might find in the West: restaurants, cafes, movies. In India there is no formal asking out on dates. My friend Sheethal breaks it down into four steps:

1. Hang out.

2. Boy tells girl “I love you.”

3. You’re a couple but no one knows about it except a select few friends who won’t tell the parental units.

4. Either marriage when the parental units find out, suicide (if kids are super passionate…this doesn’t happen a lot), or breaking up to keep the family happy.

Families have a lot of influence over their children’s choices – and older generations frown on dating. Arranged marriages are still the norm, and love marriages are often met with difficulties.  When dating does happen, it is taken seriously. Akhila, in her twenties says “People who date, date with marriage in mind. Very few people date to see where it goes.”

Japan
My friend Jessi, an American Expat in Tokyo, and Toshiko, a native are my guides to Japanese dating, and they both agree on one thing: it’s hard to find a date. They aren’t the only ones to notice this problem. This generation of Japanese men are often uninterested in relationships or pursuing women. They don’t want to take on the responsibilities of girlfriends, marriage or children. In 2006, columnist Maki Fukasawa called them “Herbivorous Men,” and the term stuck. These young men in their 20’s and 30’s aren’t even interested in sex, just friendship with women – and, they’re straight.

But, not all men in Japan are “herbivorous.” Dating starts in high school, and goes like this: Much emphasis is placed on “the confession.” Instead of asking a girl out for a cup of coffee and taking it from there, the young man is expected to dramatically confess his feelings to the girl. Then, skipping over the dating part, they are in a relationship from that point onward. Since Japanese men have the same strong instinct to escape embarrassment and rejection as the English men (and all men), declaring love is obviously terrifying. It’s no wonder so many are opting for friendship.

Looking for love isn’t easy. So for those wanting help to meet people, there is “Gokon.” Gokon can be either like speed-dating in an organized group of singles, or a group of single girls meeting a group of single boys in hopes of finding romance. If that fails, parents are a little too happy to step in and help. It’s not uncommon for mothers of 30 year olds to go to matchmaking services on their children’s behalf, and then try to set up dates with the suitors they like best.

Keeping enemies closer may be toxic to your health.

We’ve all seen dramatic television shows like Gossip Girl or comical movies like Mean Girls and probably scoffed at the theatrics the fictional characters on such dramas create. Particularly in their interpersonal relationships with the people around them. Watching Blair and Jenny constantly play nice while scheming behind each other’s backs for Queen Bee status, or Kady and Regina placing three-way phone calls in order to create chaos has a certain appeal because they are such fake scenarios. Or are they?

Who doesn’t have a friend that they are not entirely fond of because she kissed the guy you like or is apt to cut you down during a round of Apples to Apples, or at least a friend who you’re concerned may not be entirely fond of you because of her aloof behavior?

These frenemies in real life may not be as vindictive and scheming as the ones we see on big and small screens, but they are certainly just as toxic. Research now suggests that this hybrid breed of acquaintance–half-friends, half-enemies–are bad for your health. Seriously.

Hanging out with friends is supposed to be one of the most relaxing things you do in a day–right up there with taking a shower or practicing yoga in your dorm room. However, hanging out with frenemies has the opposite affect. According to a study by Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, “Love-hate relationships may threaten your cardiovascular health by preventing your body from relaxing in everyday situations and by failing to provide social support during more stressful times.” Not to mention these relationships tack on additional stress not just while you are hanging out, but before and after as well.

If you are not sure whether your pal is of the frenemy flavor, watch for repeated instances of him or her verbally knocking you off your feet by delivering scathing insults masked as compliments, constantly talking down to you, and seeming to relish in your failures rather than share in your times of success. Another quick test? “You know a friend is really a frenemy if she brings out the worst in you and leaves you feeling drained,” say Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, co-authors of Friend or Frenemy? “A sure sign you have a frenemy is when that person cancels plans with you, you’re relieved instead of disappointed.”

Want to hear stories about frenemies? Check out This American Life’s broadcast on the subject. Or share your own here!

Dress the Part:

1. Short Dresses: Choose a short, sassy dress rather than a more formal floor length, for a dress that’s easier to move around in! This is especially ideal for proms in warmer climates & petite body types.

2. Statement Accessories: Choose a basic dress and let your accessories take the center stage. A pair of bedazzled chandelier earrings or an oversized, layered bib necklace will be investment pieces that you can wear post-prom too.

3. Boldly Printed Dresses: These are perfect for the girl who wants to stand out in a crowd. Bright, tropical florals and bohemian motifs are popular this year.

4. Embellished Sandals: Splurging on a pair of jeweled or strappy sandals is a smart choice, since most people end up kicking off their heels mid-dance anyways.

5. One Shoulder Dresses: This style automatically ups the glam factor; they offer a bit more support than a strapless look, but look more trendy than a spaghetti strap. Take a look.

Hair & Makeup Made Easy:

1. Self Tanning: Tanning beds are dangerous and expensive; use a self-tanner to get a bronzed, glowy look. Scared of streaks? Dust a bronzer on your cheeks while doing your make-up.

2. Big, Voluminous Curls: Use hot rollers to curl the bottom of long hair, for a red carpet but low-maintenance style. Use a deep side part for extra drama.

3. The “Down-Do”: The key is to have hair in a low bun for pretty, no-fuss hair. Pin in a flower or skinny headband and tease the crown of the hair to personalize the look.

4. Fake Eyelashes: Accompanied by basic eyeshadow, fake eyelashes, which are relatively easy to apply, make eyes pop in pictures! Check out this instructional video for more information.

While it’s easy to get caught up in the planning and preparation for prom, don’t forget to most importantly, have fun! Feel beautiful and confident in what you’re wearing and enjoy your special night!

Lauren Felix is one of the top college fashion bloggers in the country and a current fashion, business and communications student at Florida State University. She shares her style wisdom daily on her blog: LaPetiteFashionista.

Let us first establish what an addiction really is before we proceed. It is a habit, a compulsion, and a form of dependence. People do not realize that they have an addiction until their object of desire is taken away from them. Symptoms of withdrawal are an indication of an addiction. According to a recent study done at a Maryland University, plenty of the participants displayed signs of withdrawal when their access to social media was taken away for 24 hours.

Feeling jittery and anxious followed the abstinence of the social media. The result of this one study was so fascinating that the Daily News, msnbc, and CTI Career Search had to feature this same story in their articles.

From my own perspective, I can go days without checking my Facebook or Twitter status updates. However, I do remember feeling a sense of abandonment when I forgot to take my cell phone with me to school one day. I felt so disconnected from everyone. I was so worried that if I had an emergency, I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone. That really made me worry about my own dependence on my phone.

In effect, the results of the Maryland study showed that what the students missed most of all was having contact with their friends and family. It seems that this constant availability of contact with people we know is what makes people feel secure. Take away the cell phone or laptop and people lose this sense of security.

I had a similar reaction when my computer went on the fritz and I was without the internet for a couple of days. My whole felt like it had gone silent. However, once I got over the panic of doing work and sending emails that day, it was actually a bit refreshing to be away from the whole internet for a little while. It almost felt like a break.

So, I am sure there are plenty of people who are a bit too dependent on their social media, though I do not believe that the majority are actually “addicted” to their networks. However, a good test would be to take yourself off of any and all of your social networks – including cell phones – for a whole day to see how you feel without it. You may be surprised with your own reactions.

If anyone dares to take on this experiment, please do share your experience with the rest of us. Perhaps we can all be enlightened by our findings. I am certainly curious to know whether this “addiction” is as serious as so many websites are making it out to be.

The art of the college hook-up began as a mystery to me. I was baffled by interactions with the opposite sex and since I was still figuring out who I was, it was almost easier to just be what the people I fraternized with wanted. My late-night (and sometimes mid-day) adventures aptly earned me the nickname “The Kissing Bandit” amongst my circle of friends, which was both a source of pride and a source of shame. How could I be so good at kissing, yet so bad at actually having a relationship?

With this question weighing heavily on my mind, I realized I might have to change my status quo in order to find what I was looking for: a meaningful relationship. While a slightly unpopular technique, when I began not engaging in not kissing boys in a casual way it suddenly became easier to have an actual relationship with one.

Hooking up is not known to have positive outcomes. According to CNN:

An April 2010 study from James Madison University in Virginia revealed more college women tend to want a relationship out of a hook up compared with men who prefer to stay independent. Other studies have shown the instability from hooking up can cause depression. Repeated rejection and detached relationships can also damage self-esteem.

And why would a girl (or anyone) feel warm fuzzies about themselves if all they are doing to find a meaningful relationship is hooking up instead of basing their affection on mutual interests, a sense of respect, and the ability to have a good time together no matter what they are doing? Two reasons come to mind as to why college students are engaging in this sort of fraternization.

I can’t help but think about something I probably first read in a Madeleine L’Engle book: We accept the love we think we deserve. Which means the inverse is true, too: we think we deserve the love we accept – in other words, we allow ourselves to engage in casual physical activities because that’s what we believe ourselves to be worth.

Second, the media portrays a really horrible sense of what love is based upon – movie and tv characters almost always start relationships based upon a level of attraction (probably because attempting to document a getting-to-know-you process in an hour and a half is challenging) rather than on personality. So girls (and guys, likely) are taught that guys who want to hook up really do like them. In the movies couples always end up together even if their relationship isn’t based on anything substantial.

Sure, the pop culture is full of celebrities who claim to be celibate or chaste – Jessica Simpson, Kelly Clarkson, Mandy Moore, and Lady Gaga to name a few. All women, interestingly. And I’m not sure how seriously their claims can be taken. Can anyone in the public eye be taken seriously if we know their aim is to appeal to more fans?

Frannie Boyle of Vanderbilt University described her reasons for not hooking up in a casual way best: “I’m respecting myself. And I won’t waste my time with some guy who doesn’t care about me.” Self-respect and understanding how human beings work socially are two ways to help you decide if hooking up is right for you.

What do you readers think? I’m curious to hear the guys perspective on hooking-up…

I love CNN’s articles; they’re usually insightful and on topics that interest me, but the article “Men ditch ‘nice guy’ style, get more dates totally missed the point – the same point, incidentally, that I’ve seen self-proclaimed “nice guys” miss throughout college. “Nice guys” aren’t rejected for being nice, but they might call it that instead of facing the real reasons women aren’t dating them.

Clothes make the man – So do haircuts

Show me a nice guy who got rejected. Really, show him to me, hand me a picture. And I’ll show you a guy who doesn’t know how to dress, has a bad haircut, horrible acne, or is somehow not that good looking. Nothing in the CNN article describes the appearances of the men in question. Believe me, if a “nice guy” looked like Taylor Lautner, he’d get a date (despite the plot of the Twilight movies).  I’m not saying we women base our decisions entirely on looks – we don’t – so let’s look at the other factors.

Personality

Sometimes “nice guys” are just weird. A lot of guys don’t know how to work on their social skills, they’re not at ease talking with women, or they’re shy, or all they can talk about are Xbox games (I love talking Xbox, in fact, I love nerds, but you need a range of conversational topics!). Sometimes interests don’t match up, leading the lady to think “this guy is boring,” and that is NOT her crying out for a leather-clad motorcycle-riding bad boy! Though a little black leather doesn’t hurt…

Intelligence, and bad taste

Ok, now I have to come down on the ladies because some girls are just…dumb. And, sometimes (hurts me to say it), smart guys fall for hot dumb girls. What can I say, it’s the hair, the tan, the bikini body, even I can see the appeal. When intelligent guys fall for dumb girls, the dumb girls aren’t going to be interested – they’ll be bored, or threatened, or feel stupid.  What it boils down to is that these guys want women who are wrong for them, which isn’t intelligent at all.

Some guys don’t want women who are good for them – mature women, intelligent women, confident women can be threatening to some men. These men go after immature girls, and then complain about how they are treated. Case in point from the CNN article:

“As a licensed counselor in Washington, he’s listened to many men groan about being in the nice guy rut. Glover said that nice guys, like himself, were often nonconfrontational and constantly seeking approval — both destructive behaviors in a relationship. Being too nice landed him in divorce court.

‘In general, women like the tension, or they will lose interest quickly,’ he said.”

This guy is a “licensed counselor,” and this is what he thinks about women? Teenage girls like tension in relationships, they like drama. Mature women ready for a mature relationship like kindness and respect – they like real nice guys, not men like the one interviewed above.

Clingy, demanding, creepy

Behaviors that the “nice guy” describes as “nice” can also be overwhelming, clingy, demanding, and creepy. Trying too hard, too fast, is a turnoff, so save that $100 bouquet for date 3 or it will freak her out. It’s like when Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother told Robin he loved her on the first date and ruined the evening – being too intense is bad. There needs to be a slow build in a relationship, so instead of immediately spending money on expensive dinners and gifts, save those for later when you know the girl likes you. Until then, stick to coffee dates, and maybe a picnic at the campus botanic gardens.

If there are any Nice Guys reading this, then please take a look at yourselves. Are you weird? Do you dress like you’re ten (or are wearing the exact same clothes you wore when you were ten)? Are you clingy? Do you pick the wrong women? Because believe me, if you’re really a nice, good looking, witty guy, you’ll finish first every time. And if you don’t, then I’ll introduce you to my single lady friends – they’d love to meet you.

Not only are people finding it easier to merely type away their thoughts and feelings to people, but they are simplifying everything so much that they find it hard to expand and express themselves thoroughly in front of real people or in their homework. Everything is condensed in an IM, and even more so in a text. There are barely any explanations or in-depth thinking required with the use of technology and communication.

It probably all started with the regular use of the telephone; though, I am certain things have gotten much worse with the ever-growing popularity of text and IM. I say this because I have learned from several students they would rather text with a friend than actually hang out together.

I can understand how this works because I am a perfect candidate for this deterioration of communication. I have never liked speaking with new people and have always maintained the reputation of being shy. I force myself to get passed this problem at work and with new friends, enough so that I have fooled plenty of people into thinking I am quite friendly. But I admit that it was a struggle.

Instant messaging is way easier than talking to new people face-to-face. I have often found it much easier to relay what I am thinking or feeling through an IM than when I am in the presence of another person. I don’t have to worry about my tone of voice; I have more time to think about my words more carefully as I type them. In short, I don’t have to be self-conscious with another person staring at me because a computer screen can’t see me. I am not reliant on this form of communication, but the younger generation is becoming so.

The younger generation was introduced to this form of communication from an early age. They have not all been taught how to communicate on a professional level, and instead rely on their gadgets to relay their words.

I have known students who say they cannot even talk to their family comfortably unless it is through an IM. I have watched people opt for texting a far-away friend rather than converse with the group of people who are sitting directly in front of them.

I am even willing to venture and say that the lack of communication skills is also a reason for the boost in alcohol and other narcotic consumption. I have known plenty of people growing up who considered themselves shy. However, when they decided they wanted to be part of the “in-crowd” drinking or smoking pot seemed to be their ticket into the social group. I remember my friends telling me how much easier it is to talk to people after they had had a few drinks. I doubt the liquid courage produced any important conversations, and I doubt the reliance of alcohol is going to help young people learn to communicate better. How well can people actually speak when they’re drunk?

This is what communication has been reduced to. People can only talk to one another with the crutch of technology or a narcotic. Is this right?

Maybe texting and drinking is the easy route, but frankly, I highly doubt that any of these can be used when people have to actually interview for a job or keep meaningful relationships based on communication.

I never understood the importance of classroom presentations until now. As much as I used to sweat and have a shaky voice during those projects, I needed them to familiarize myself with talking to strangers. I almost want to thank those professors who put me through, what I used to consider, unbearable torture. Students need this exercise more than ever! Maybe teachers need to throw in more of those presentations to compensate for what is currently being lost: face-to-face communication

Peer pressure does not end when we leave high school. It is still alive in college. Students don’t have to be part of a fraternity or a sorority to be among party-animals. You can meet plenty of students who slack off and go to social gatherings every night at college, but that is when people have the choice of who they really want to hang out with and be influenced by.

A recent study that posted by the Chicago Tribune stated that college-educated women were more likely to drink heavy.  Why might that be? Is it because of the habits that were formed during those college years? Considering that a high-level of alcohol consumption can kill brain cells, it would seem inaccurate to blame the drinking on the education. However, I would probably blame the college lifestyle of many students, which is a common topic for many blogs.

Obviously, not all college students make a routine of getting drunk or high every day. I would assume that the smarter students are the ones who abstain from partying for the right moment. So, we could probably surmise that the same college students who slack off on their studies and spend their time bar-hopping are probably the ones who barely graduate or completely drop out altogether.

I have known friends and acquaintances who also put some sort of shindig over studying. These people never ended up graduating from college. Some people see college as a time to study while others see it as a time of freedom and experimentation. Bearing in mind the choices you make in college can have a lasting effect on the rest of your life, perhaps students should still consider the phrase, “choose your friends wisely.”

Does anyone have any comments or experiences they would like to share on the debate between using college as a means of knowledge or having fun?

Generally speaking, there are two kinds of sexual education for junior high and high school students. One is abstinence education, and the other is more of a comprehensive education. Teaching abstinence is greatly advertised as the only way to prevent pregnancy, STD’s, and emotional damage. It’s kind of hard to argue – abstinence is the only 100 percent prevention policy.

But does teaching abstinence withhold information teens need to make responsible choices? According to CNN’s article about this issue a study of those who took abstinence pledges were less likely to use condoms or birth control when they became sexually active, yet just as likely to become sexually active before marriage as others who didn’t take pledges. Huh? So, maybe a comprehensive sex-ed course would make more sense.

According to another recent study, however, abstinence-only programs are proving more effective. When looking at sixth and seventh grade students, a third started having sex within two years after an abstinence only program compared to nearly half of students who were also taught about contraception.

So what really works? Maybe it simply depends on the student, but the truth is, not all teens are going to wait to have sex. That’s a fact in need of recognition. Though an abstinence policy might be considered ideal for preventing STD’s and pregnancy, I still believe having all the facts laid out (including contraceptive ones) is the best method for making well-informed choices.

Schools in need of funding will have to have their abstinence programs evaluated before any health reform dollars come through. Programs that combine abstinence with contraceptive education? Who knows? What does everyone else think? Is abstinence education the way to go or should students be taught birth control methods as well? Is the health care reform in the right on this issue?

1. Too serious too fast

My first boyfriend became my first boyfriend after 2 weeks of dating – way too fast. But he asked! He brought flowers! And I was totally guilted into agreeing to be his girlfriend when all I really wanted was to date around and have fun. Don’t make my mistake – do not get serious too fast, or date exclusively too soon. It’s ok to date multiple people as long as you keep it equally light with everyone. Note: I’m not saying that’s easy.

2. Meeting the Parents Immediately

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been brought home by a guy to meet his parents, with the guy all but saying “Look Ma! I caught one!” Not cool. When you bring a date home to meet your parents, the parents will probably think that it’s a serious relationship and treat your date like a potential in-law, which is really awkward after only a few weeks of dating! So, save the visits home until the relationship really is serious, or after 6 months, whichever comes first.

3. Being too flexible, or not knowing what you want

Boundaries are very important to build and maintain in first relationships, because it’s usually the lack of boundaries that start all the trouble. So, on the physical front (no pun intended), make it really clear what you will do and what you won’t do, otherwise, your mind might get made up for you. But there are other boundaries too, like how much time you spend with each other, how many text messages pass back and forth per day, how many emails etc. It’s ok to have a conversation with your boyfriend or girlfriend about how much time together is reasonable and how many calls/texts/emails per day are appropriate – versus clingy or controlling.

4. Assuming the guy or girl is single

For some reason, I and a number of my friends have all had this experience: A really cool, interesting, smart and savvy guy flirts with you, invites you out, pays for drinks, and turns out to have been living with his girlfriend of five years – which you find out later. All I’m saying is, get to know potential boyfriends or girlfriends as friends first, and take your time. Also, if they say “I’m not into labels,” that’s not a good sign.

5. Don’t Impersonate on IM or Facebook

Ok, really, you shouldn’t hack into their emails, Facebook accounts, instant messengers or iPhones at all, but if you do, definitely do not pretend you are your significant other. If you feel the need to snoop, there is something wrong. Relationships are built on trust, and if you’re not feeling it, you don’t need to resort to hacking. Maybe you’re crazy or maybe he/she really is cheating on you, but either way you shouldn’t be in that relationship.

Upon consultation with numerous veteran daters (my friends), I might also add: Don’t be crazy. But does that really need to be said?